rrrrealworldmommm

2009-02-09T19:42:00.000-08:00

Well, has something changed at this point, not sure.. don't think so. Only time will tell... perhaps my understanding of where I should focus my energies is clearer, that in itself would be a change. Do I have lowered expectations, hmmm, yes I think I do. Sad really,, so much potential.

The Death Card

2009-02-09T17:24:00.000-08:00

Today, I did a one card reading from my Tarot Deck. I am waiting for my friend to have a heart to heart face to face discussion about our friendship, where it may or may not go in the future. The conversation was precipiated by actions of mine that were based on old beliefs old atitudes, old behaviours. Behaviours which I thought I had dealt with, although in all fairness behaviours triggered by actions of another.

The death card signifies a transformation, letting go of the old attitudes and beliefs to embrace and grow with the new. My first thought was.. wow.. I hope that doesnt mean that I have lost my friendship forever. But in retrospect that would indeed be exactly what it means as no matter what our or where our conversation goes tonight, what I had before friday no longer exists it has died.. now if I am to trust the death card I would believe that a renewal of sorts is possible, either a new friendship built on a much more solid foundation or new doors for me which will lead me to other friendships which will be solid having the benefit of no lingering old issues of mine. So one must welcome the death card, as a rebirth card, as a sun rising not setting card and either move forward with a much stronger faith or move on with a renewed faith in life.

Only time will tell how this card will play out tonight.

2009-02-08T10:43:00.001-08:00

Life has a way of forcing us to grow, stretch perhaps even grow up. This weekend for me has been one filled with tears, fear of loss of my best friend, fear of loss of a future I was just beginning to believe in. Today on Sunday the final day of the weekend, I am starting to come to terms with what I have always known, but fear and pain often cloud good judgement. I have always known, that there are no guarantees, that if things are meant to be they will be, if I trust that then I must trust that decisions made by my friend and I will be the right ones, even if it means the loss of what I had before. In fact the loss of what I had before is a guarantee, because no matter what decisions we will make individually we will not have what we had before there will be changes, there will be differences in how we see each other and our friendship. I have learned something about myself, Life is forcing me to change, these changes will be good ones I will learn more about coping with issues from my past, and I have been reminded of what is important.

Family is important, good friends are important, truth is ultimately important, having a heart that is open to love is important, getting beyond fear is important, walking bravely through pain is important, I am important. And I am important enough to be cared for, to be loved, to be respected. So in that then I have realized that being respected for me means being with someone who will share that I am in their life with their friends and family, be proud that I am in their life, be a part of my life willingly and to discuss life decisions that affect me, with me. Perhaps I will send that out into the universe and see what pops up. ah,, there it is.. out there.. now give me direction to lead me there.

Church today was about service to others, so I oferred to help with the Sunday School today the children were baking and some adult helpers were required. The children were baking for others, each child made a crescent to give to another child as a way to learn about service to others. But something struck me as I helped, for me service to others is easy, helping out comes naturally and I enjoy providing service to others.. but I often do a disservice to myself by not listening to my own inner voice and giving credence to what I need. That too must change.

So the day is half over,, we are going sledding to the hill,, my focus is changing back to doing things for myself, for being with those who I love and who I know love me.. my friends and my family.

Painful vs Perfect

2009-02-07T15:50:00.000-08:00

Life, love, relationships, are never perfect, always painful in some manner or another. The best relationships have survived the pain of separation, the pain of hurt, the pain of loss, pain caused by another. How we survive in life, love and relationships depends on how we deal with pain. If there is an expectation that there will never be pain, or that mistakes will never be made, then that is an unrealistic expectation. If running away from pain is the answer, then the relationship is doomed to fail. Nothing is solved in isolation, nothing is solved by running away, nothing is solved by failing to communicate. .... Sigh

Ah a good night sleep

2008-05-04T19:33:00.000-07:00

What is the sound of another sleeping, the soft snore, the mumbled and jumbled speech of one in the thro's of a dream, the wake me up and I now I can't get back to sleep snore, the sound of the deep silence of a rejuvinating and peaceful sleep. The feel of a good nights sleep, a warm comfy blanket a soft comfortable bed, and the soft touch of the person beside you, the welcome sound of their snores and chatter, the welcome movement of the bed. Moments to be glad of, moments to treasure for sure, moments to enjoy when the entireness of the bed once again belongs to one and is not shared by two. The entireness of the bed having it's own sweetness about it, the silence in a room only inhabited by one has a resounding peacefullness the oneness of being alone. That too can be rejuvanting and pleasurable. To be enjoyed as one until that moment when their is an opportunity to share and enjoy that snore next to one's ear and that soft and comforting touch.

a man and his equipment

2008-05-04T06:42:00.000-07:00

I have always admired a man with kewl tools and the knowledge to use them. Had the pleasure of some assistance fixing the garage door this weekend. The man who came to help me had some exceptional tools and the skill to use them. I even got to participate by using the air nailer and the cordless duo speed drill. And when skill is matched with creativity, one must simply enjoy. There are so many uses for simple everyday things. Garden hose holders for instance, indeed.

ode to being seventeen

2008-04-27T21:29:00.000-07:00

What does the year 1976 and the front seat of a 1978 Chevy Silverado half ton in 2008 have in common. Me at seventeen.

Ha ha ha, I was told yesterday that in a past life I was a Hungarian Gypsi, hmmm well have to think about that. Of course that could be why in the last 49 years I have moved 53 times.

the past is the past

2008-04-26T09:20:00.000-07:00

When one is faced with painful decisions and fear of the unknown and the future, the desire for a crystal ball is immense. I remember a year ago today, I would go to sleep at night, wishing that when I woke up in the morning the man I spent my days and nights with would have disappeared from my life overnight as though that present never existed. However until we understand the nature of the universe and the theories of quantuum physics, we are all stuck amuck in our daily realties. At that time I knew that in order to return my life to one which I could cherish and be thankful for I would need to experience the pain of seperation, the pain of withdrawl from an addiction of sorts, fear of the unknown, fear of aloneness and fear of facing who I had become. And while I desired a crystal ball, knowing that their was no choice but to change a bad situation meant that having knowledge of the future was irrelevant.

Today in this time, in this present, I am as happy as I have ever been, I can be alone, I am not afraid of aloneness, I love who I have become or perhaps who I have always been, and I love each and everyone of the people who have remained and or become my friends thru the last twelve months. People who I have been able to talk with, people who have supported me and reminded me that I am who I am and that person is damn awesome.

I have been introduced to new experiences and new people and I have watched the old become washed away by the new, an appreciation of life that is as strong in me as it has ever been. The knowledge that our happiness is dependent solely on how we view the world around us and seek out the beauty rather than the darkness. There are those who I know as friends who still believe that their value is based on who they are with, and their need for love to fulfill themselves is sad for me to watch. But it is not my place to fix or to change them, it is only my place to live my life to the fullest and hope that by example they will chose to learn and grow.

But it is my newest friend who challenges my thinking and whom I appreciate greatly. My newest friend understands that his happiness is not anyone elses responsibiilty, my newest friend gives of himself freely and does not forcefully take from me to make himself whole, my newest friend has taught me things, about life, about myself and about how he views things, my newest friend has a very open mind on many levels and I enjoy his company. Now when I wish for a crystal ball it would be only to know how much time I will have to enjoy days and nights with my newest friend. Of course the answer is not much different than it was a year ago, even though my reasons for want of a crystall ball were different, there is no need to know the outcome or the future, last year the simple truth was that I needed to work thru the pain, today my truth is to simply enjoy the moment and the present time and what I have with my new friend will be enjoyed for as long as it should be.

The Ultimate Pajama Party

2008-04-25T18:36:00.000-07:00

Girls night out at the Land of the Looney Tunes. or Land of the Loon as it is formally known. Wow, cant wait, will be fun for sure. A little vodka, a little wine, a lot of snack foods, a lot of girls and a lot of talk, a lot of laughter and a lot of friendship. What more could a girl want. Oh oh, will need a new pair of pajama's.

Ponder This

2008-04-20T08:55:00.000-07:00

Fear and excitement are psychologically the same.

Know thyself

2008-04-17T20:34:00.000-07:00

I have always been fairly comfortable with the belief that I know who I am or at least who I think I am on many levels. I find my security in who I am is challenged on a regular basis, many times lately, who I thought I was or who I verbalized I was has been different than who I truly am. I have learned more than I thought I would ever learn about myself, I have learned things that I didn't know, I didnt know. I have learned that sometimes we hide who we are because we dont have the opportunity to be open enough to discover who we are. Or we may not feel safe enough to admit who we are. I feel really safe these days, and I am beginning to understand more and more about that who I really am. So far soo good.

Purposeful Manipulation of Media

2008-04-15T17:44:00.000-07:00

Timing of media releases, providing usual confidential information to the public at an inappropriate time, manipulation of wording and phrasing with the intent to mislead. Interesting that those who have gone through the election process would feel the necessisity to participate in this type of behaviour. Perhaps a need to win at all cost, an addiction to praise an aversion to criticism, yet the truth has a way of haunting those who purposefully mislead. Most people will come to recognize this tactic as a means to fool and deceive to hide the reality. A reality that would ensure the downfall and defeat of those same elected officials. Unfortunate that we are required to wait eighteen months for the opportunity to learn the fate of our present elected officials.

Fountain of Youth

2008-04-14T17:32:00.000-07:00

Ah, the elusive and often sought after fountain of youth. Marketed often as a product choice, a food choice or a miraculous herbal option. nope nope nope, I don't believe for a minute that the fountain of youth stems from some magical external source. There are no north east south or west directional guidelines to find this fountain. It is not deep within some rain forest or far away land. The fountain of youth is within all of us, it is an internal source. Laughter, acceptance, joy, hope, pleasure these are the directions to the fountain of youth, the fountain itself being attitude. Youthful exuberance at any age, this is a choice we can make. We can chose to mire ouselves in the everyday stresses and worries of what we are taught by society is the reality of life (societal supposed to's as they are referred to by a friend and co-worker of mine) or we can learn to live in the moment and appreciate the gift of life, and follow the directions to the true fountain of youth.

Another friend I have met recently and laughs with me on many occassions, has changed since we first met. When I see my friend, these days there is a brighter sparkle in those blue eyes, then I first noticed and there is a youthful aura that surrounds his very being that is now dominant and obvious. tee hee hee

Learning New Things

2008-04-10T16:02:00.001-07:00

Today, I learned something about myself, I learned a little bit more about trust and respect. It is easy to verbalize those words, much harder to live them. But not just in terms of completely trusting someone else, but also in terms of completely trusting oneself. Having respect for someone else is of the utmost importance in maintaining a healthy relationship, but again, one must also respect ones self in order to be an emotionally healthy partner. The interesting thing that I learned today is that if you respect yourself, respect and trust for others comes easily and naturally, almost like breathing. When you are strong within your own beliefs and in the knowledge that you are in control of your decisions and your decisions only it is easier to let go of a need for unhealthy emotions such as a desire for ownership.

And to think I learned all this today, during the hour I was working out a Cal Fitness, so I shall eventually be smart and svelt.

2008-04-08T18:05:00.000-07:00

"Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after." -Anne Morrow Lindbergh

oh oh grandbaby on the way

2008-04-07T23:14:00.000-07:00

Well daughter number two is in the hospital giving birth to grandbaby daughter number three. Perhaps the morning will bring the joyous news of the birth, for her sake I hope so, as she has been in labour since this morning.

There are those who like to tease me, about how many grandchildren I will have by summer of 2008. Five altogether, five grandchildren, phew, that must make me really old. Oh oh, silly girl what am I saying, after all I am Hottie Grannie Number One. I want a coffee cup that says that.

tee hee

takin a little time for myself

2008-04-03T21:18:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow will be a stress day for me. Goodness knows I probably deserve one. Having to constantly be prepared to dodge the bully bullet can be both tiring and trying. But tommorrow will be a day for rejuvenation, a day for fun and frolic. A day to enjoy the company of my friend. There will be no need for cryptic yet confrontational communications, for admonishing between the lines for subtle disciplinary wording but for laughter and seduction.

I found this quote today, the second one from Stephen King that I liked. It seemed somewhat appropo regarding the activities of the last ten days.

The place where you made your stand never mattered. Only that you were there... and still on your feet.

Communication is key

2008-04-01T20:49:00.001-07:00

Ok, well I have certainly had my ups and downs with communication this week. Sitting in the oval office, I was told that a lack of communication caused a whole host of undesirable circumstances notwithstanding the release to the media of information which was somehow harmful to an entire urban center. Causing the complete breakdown of HR Department and the ability to hire professional skilled individuals whose view of the urban centre was tainted by the release of undesirable information about that same urban centre. My my, One would think that they doth protest too much. Where in all of that protesting is the real issue?? That is indeed the question.

The other breakdown in commuication was a poorly worded and not completly thought out email that caused one sleepless night, two apologies, a stomach ache, and hopefully cleared the way for even more open communication in the future. Ah the growing pains of a new yet very important and worthwhile friendship.

Lust and Love

2008-03-30T18:18:00.000-07:00

Lust an intense desire or appetite. Love profound tender passionate affection for another person. It is interesting to say the least that the dictionary meaning of the word lust does not go so far as to relate the desire or appetite to that of another person. When looking closely at these two definitions it would seem difficult to confuse the two. There would seem that there is clearly a difference between tender passionate affection than an intense desire or appetite, yet lust is often confused for love to the detriment of those involved. And yet if one takes a closer look at the defination of love, does it not seem to be lacking in some level of completeness without the intense desire words built somewhere into the definition. So then if one has an intense desire or appetite for another individual yet also has tender passionate affection for that same individual how does that fit.

Perhaps an intense desire is not as sustainable a feeling as tender passionate affection. Some where there is a much wiser woman than me, perhaps she will know the answer to my musings.

It's a matter of truth

2008-03-28T19:51:00.000-07:00

Twenty questions, a game I played in my youth. Has taken on a whole new meaning. Can be a game played for clarification, for understanding, to seek the truth, to gain knowledge. For the purpose of understanding and gathering information or for the purpose of gaining control. I often engage in a game of twenty questions with a good friend, the game is enjoyable, and empowering for both parties (altho can only really speak for myself) helps to keep the lines of communication open and encourages discussion.

However the question game can also be played to intimidate to gain control and to discredit. It is particularly disturbing when questions are used to intimidate and discredit those who bring constructive criticism forward to the leaders of the community. When those same leaders chose to verbally assault the messenger rather than listen to the message issue must be taken with this and action ensue.

FPB

2008-03-27T17:02:00.000-07:00

Acronyms, deserve a dictionary all of their own. There are a couple of people who will know what FPB means, most won't I shall leave it at that. Suffice it to say, it stands for having won a small battle and opened a large can of worms. I needed a few worms, goin fishin this summer wanted a little bait.

The perception of power is a dangerous thing. Elected officials often assume their electoral office gives them power over their constituents and that their leadership is unquestionable or unrelinquishable based on their position. Good leadership does not perceive itself powerful, good leadership empowers others.

fpb signing off

big boys little sandbox

2008-03-26T21:52:00.000-07:00

I wonder if the boys thought that if they stomped on my sand castle today that I would hide in the corner and cry. aaaaah my foray into the political arena aka sandbox. One often loses ones idealism when forced to see the reality of the game. To know that the only rules are determined by the ruthlessness of those who perceive they have power and control and established as a reason to allow showboating and oneupmanship nothing to do with the common good. aaah yes, famous quotes from elected officials, "There is a time for democracy and it isn't now." Indeed!

aaaaaacchhhooooo chicken soup please

2008-03-26T11:34:00.000-07:00

Ah, I can only dream of a medicinal and tasty soup made from the ultimate chicken, with homemade noodles extrodinaire, veggies galore and just a dobble of dill. aaaaccchoooo, oh where oh where has my little kleenex box gone?.....Sigh. I will just have to settle for tylenol cold and sinus and the miracle of drugs.

new day, new blog

2008-03-25T17:03:00.001-07:00

Wow, it's been so long since I blogged, I couldnt remember the password on the old one. had to create a new one. So here goes. The next thing is to remember how to add all the goodies, pics, etc. So it is a me blog. Life has changed a lot since I last blogged. I've met new people, made new friends. fallen in love with life again, learned to live in the moment and appreciate the riches of the world around us and those in it. I have learned that I am as talented as I want to be and that I am only held back by what I hold myself back with.