the past is the past

When one is faced with painful decisions and fear of the unknown and the future, the desire for a crystal ball is immense. I remember a year ago today, I would go to sleep at night, wishing that when I woke up in the morning the man I spent my days and nights with would have disappeared from my life overnight as though that present never existed. However until we understand the nature of the universe and the theories of quantuum physics, we are all stuck amuck in our daily realties. At that time I knew that in order to return my life to one which I could cherish and be thankful for I would need to experience the pain of seperation, the pain of withdrawl from an addiction of sorts, fear of the unknown, fear of aloneness and fear of facing who I had become. And while I desired a crystal ball, knowing that their was no choice but to change a bad situation meant that having knowledge of the future was irrelevant.

Today in this time, in this present, I am as happy as I have ever been, I can be alone, I am not afraid of aloneness, I love who I have become or perhaps who I have always been, and I love each and everyone of the people who have remained and or become my friends thru the last twelve months. People who I have been able to talk with, people who have supported me and reminded me that I am who I am and that person is damn awesome.

I have been introduced to new experiences and new people and I have watched the old become washed away by the new, an appreciation of life that is as strong in me as it has ever been. The knowledge that our happiness is dependent solely on how we view the world around us and seek out the beauty rather than the darkness. There are those who I know as friends who still believe that their value is based on who they are with, and their need for love to fulfill themselves is sad for me to watch. But it is not my place to fix or to change them, it is only my place to live my life to the fullest and hope that by example they will chose to learn and grow.

But it is my newest friend who challenges my thinking and whom I appreciate greatly. My newest friend understands that his happiness is not anyone elses responsibiilty, my newest friend gives of himself freely and does not forcefully take from me to make himself whole, my newest friend has taught me things, about life, about myself and about how he views things, my newest friend has a very open mind on many levels and I enjoy his company. Now when I wish for a crystal ball it would be only to know how much time I will have to enjoy days and nights with my newest friend. Of course the answer is not much different than it was a year ago, even though my reasons for want of a crystall ball were different, there is no need to know the outcome or the future, last year the simple truth was that I needed to work thru the pain, today my truth is to simply enjoy the moment and the present time and what I have with my new friend will be enjoyed for as long as it should be.