Well, has something changed at this point, not sure.. don't think so. Only time will tell... perhaps my understanding of where I should focus my energies is clearer, that in itself would be a change. Do I have lowered expectations, hmmm, yes I think I do. Sad really,, so much potential.

The Death Card

Today, I did a one card reading from my Tarot Deck. I am waiting for my friend to have a heart to heart face to face discussion about our friendship, where it may or may not go in the future. The conversation was precipiated by actions of mine that were based on old beliefs old atitudes, old behaviours. Behaviours which I thought I had dealt with, although in all fairness behaviours triggered by actions of another.

The death card signifies a transformation, letting go of the old attitudes and beliefs to embrace and grow with the new. My first thought was.. wow.. I hope that doesnt mean that I have lost my friendship forever. But in retrospect that would indeed be exactly what it means as no matter what our or where our conversation goes tonight, what I had before friday no longer exists it has died.. now if I am to trust the death card I would believe that a renewal of sorts is possible, either a new friendship built on a much more solid foundation or new doors for me which will lead me to other friendships which will be solid having the benefit of no lingering old issues of mine. So one must welcome the death card, as a rebirth card, as a sun rising not setting card and either move forward with a much stronger faith or move on with a renewed faith in life.

Only time will tell how this card will play out tonight.

Life has a way of forcing us to grow, stretch perhaps even grow up. This weekend for me has been one filled with tears, fear of loss of my best friend, fear of loss of a future I was just beginning to believe in. Today on Sunday the final day of the weekend, I am starting to come to terms with what I have always known, but fear and pain often cloud good judgement. I have always known, that there are no guarantees, that if things are meant to be they will be, if I trust that then I must trust that decisions made by my friend and I will be the right ones, even if it means the loss of what I had before. In fact the loss of what I had before is a guarantee, because no matter what decisions we will make individually we will not have what we had before there will be changes, there will be differences in how we see each other and our friendship. I have learned something about myself, Life is forcing me to change, these changes will be good ones I will learn more about coping with issues from my past, and I have been reminded of what is important.

Family is important, good friends are important, truth is ultimately important, having a heart that is open to love is important, getting beyond fear is important, walking bravely through pain is important, I am important. And I am important enough to be cared for, to be loved, to be respected. So in that then I have realized that being respected for me means being with someone who will share that I am in their life with their friends and family, be proud that I am in their life, be a part of my life willingly and to discuss life decisions that affect me, with me. Perhaps I will send that out into the universe and see what pops up. ah,, there it is.. out there.. now give me direction to lead me there.

Church today was about service to others, so I oferred to help with the Sunday School today the children were baking and some adult helpers were required. The children were baking for others, each child made a crescent to give to another child as a way to learn about service to others. But something struck me as I helped, for me service to others is easy, helping out comes naturally and I enjoy providing service to others.. but I often do a disservice to myself by not listening to my own inner voice and giving credence to what I need. That too must change.



So the day is half over,, we are going sledding to the hill,, my focus is changing back to doing things for myself, for being with those who I love and who I know love me.. my friends and my family.

Painful vs Perfect

Life, love, relationships, are never perfect, always painful in some manner or another. The best relationships have survived the pain of separation, the pain of hurt, the pain of loss, pain caused by another. How we survive in life, love and relationships depends on how we deal with pain. If there is an expectation that there will never be pain, or that mistakes will never be made, then that is an unrealistic expectation. If running away from pain is the answer, then the relationship is doomed to fail. Nothing is solved in isolation, nothing is solved by running away, nothing is solved by failing to communicate. .... Sigh

Ah a good night sleep

What is the sound of another sleeping, the soft snore, the mumbled and jumbled speech of one in the thro's of a dream, the wake me up and I now I can't get back to sleep snore, the sound of the deep silence of a rejuvinating and peaceful sleep. The feel of a good nights sleep, a warm comfy blanket a soft comfortable bed, and the soft touch of the person beside you, the welcome sound of their snores and chatter, the welcome movement of the bed. Moments to be glad of, moments to treasure for sure, moments to enjoy when the entireness of the bed once again belongs to one and is not shared by two. The entireness of the bed having it's own sweetness about it, the silence in a room only inhabited by one has a resounding peacefullness the oneness of being alone. That too can be rejuvanting and pleasurable. To be enjoyed as one until that moment when their is an opportunity to share and enjoy that snore next to one's ear and that soft and comforting touch.

a man and his equipment

I have always admired a man with kewl tools and the knowledge to use them. Had the pleasure of some assistance fixing the garage door this weekend. The man who came to help me had some exceptional tools and the skill to use them. I even got to participate by using the air nailer and the cordless duo speed drill. And when skill is matched with creativity, one must simply enjoy. There are so many uses for simple everyday things. Garden hose holders for instance, indeed.

ode to being seventeen

What does the year 1976 and the front seat of a 1978 Chevy Silverado half ton in 2008 have in common. Me at seventeen.

Ha ha ha, I was told yesterday that in a past life I was a Hungarian Gypsi, hmmm well have to think about that. Of course that could be why in the last 49 years I have moved 53 times.